I have started this blog post, I don’t know how many times and I get half way through and the Lord stops me. Needless to say, I will have a couple of posts to use after this one that are already half written.
I titled this blog “What I wished I would have known before fostering.” I think often about what I would tell my pre-foster self; You know the whole hindsight 20/20 thing. I was so young and naive back when we first started fostering. They tell you in class that fostering is not a walk in the park but if you are like me (glass half full) I thought nooo, it can’t be that bad. I don’t really see myself as the jaded foster mom but fostering is hard work. For example, we are ready to finalize our final placement and the final hearing has been pushed back for a second time. Frustrating!
As I sat in the silence of my room praying for a last foster baby I was taken back to 2009. We fostered Owen before we adopted him and it was a VERY LONG 18 months. I sat and thought about the differences between then and now. The first difference is I now have had several years of experience under my belt and more placements than we ever thought possible. The journey this time feels different though. I find myself asking why is it different now? I believe a lot of it is the fact that I know more now then I did back then. I have a deeper understanding of the process of fostering and adoption and how it plays together in the bigger picture, which part of that is because I have not only been a foster parent but also a CPS caseworker. With my age also comes a maturity that I didn’t have at the level I do now and with it, a greater spiritual understanding.
Here are the things I would tell my younger self:
- Hang in there! The process seems long but yes it is so worth it. God’s timing is always perfect. For our little Owens case I feel the Lord used it as a way for me to solely depend on Him. There were many ups and downs that He was the only person I could rely on.
- As questions! Lots of them. Find out everything there is about the family history. This maybe the only time you can get those questions answered. Our boys don’t have a lot of family history because I just relied on our caseworker to get that information and write it down. Boy did I learn my lesson. They have so many tasks to complete that they just forget. So I learned to ask some of these questions myself and sometimes I would ask them repeatedly.
- Make your caseworker your friend. We always make it a point to get to know our caseworkers personally. We also try not to be those needy foster parents. Now don’t get me wrong when I need something or need questions answered I am persistent but I try my hardest to accommodate them. I move things around my schedule to make sure that they can get home to their families before dinner time. I also don’t call them all the time and I also would make sure that they knew they were doing a great job. A secret – when you make them feel encouraged they tend to go out of their way for you.
- Get to know your biological parents or family. Believe me the more you know about them the more questions you can answer for your children. We have been ask who they look like, what did they sound like, and many more questions. I have been able to answer most of them and some I still don’t know. As for our twins we still have contact with their biological grandparents so they will have direct access to the answers to their questions. The biological family is not the enemy. They try to do their best and I truly believe that most of the parents love their children in the best way they know how. Get to know them!
- Be an advocate for your foster child! You are their voice right now. There have been times that I have had to use my momma bear skills and make my voice heard but on the other hand persistence does win out.
- Hard days will be followed by great days. We have had some hard placements but through those placements we have learned to love unconditionally, become patient, learned to get attached even when it hurts, and to show them how to handle hard situations. There have been times taht I wanted to throw my hands up in the air and quit but then I look into their faces and as they throw their arms around me I melt!
- Get attached from the beginning. I was always afraid of being hurt but then I heard this quote, “It is better for me to be hurt instead of them being hurt yet again!” I can handle it they might not be able to. Now don’t get me wrong does it hurt when they leave, absolutely! My heart breaks and we grieve and then we dive back in. If we are truly doing this foster thing correctly then it is going to hurt. If it doesn’t hurt when they leave we need to check our reasons for fostering.
- The paperwork can be overwhelming. Don’t wait until the last day of the month to do all of your notes. One there are times that documentation are very important. For example, how the child acts when they come back from a visit with family or counseling appointments. It is hard to remember what happens the first of the month until the end of the month if you don’t consistently make notes. So my advice kep up on the paperwork. Have a day of the week or a time in the evening each day to sit own and fill out the calendar and the notes for that day or week. This way when it comes to the end of the month it is done and you just have to polish it up and send it in and you will never be late in getting your paperwork compete. Use a bind to keep everything organized. This will also help when a child moves. You can send a binder to the next placement and now they have all of your notes right there.
- Take advantage of trainings! Trainings will be your lifeline. Believe it or not most of the trainings do help when dealing with the emotions of your foster child.
- Support. Surround your self with those that are walking this same journey. Social Media is a great place to start. Find foster support groups that you can ask questions or seek advice. Also get involved in your community with a local foster support group. This journey can be lonely. Believe me I know! There are some dark days that my husband and I feel like we are in this all alone. You are not alone ask around and find the support that you need, because it is not if you need the support but when you need the support.
The intent of all this is that looking back on our journey with all of our foster children and adopted children is that it is a journey. A journey that we would willingly and passionately pursue time and again. There are, as with many life experiences, ups and downs, joy and sorrow and even anger. My desire is to not scare anyone off but to raise awareness and always be real with my readers and those around us on the daily grind. Many of our topics are gritty and rough but show the realities of our pursuit of reaching to those that have been orphaned while being obedient to God’s word.
Moore Than We Can Contain 