****I am back! Life happened. Holidays, sickness, new jobs, and toddlers! Enjoy the post******

The power of yes!  Back in 2008 when Shawn and I decided to start this journey of foster/adoption we had no idea how powerful the word YES could be. Sometimes it was easy to say yes while other times it was very hard to say yes.  However when we look back now I would say YES all over again.

How does that 3 letter world change/impact a child’s life.  By saying yes it gives hope, stability, love, a chance to be a part of a family, and most of all a chance to be introduced to Jesus.  I look at my boys and never doubt our YES!  If we didn’t say yes our family would not be complete.  For our boys when we said yes we gave them a stable home that loves Jesus.  They were now able to be shown what a family is like, how unconditional love works, parents who not only love them but each other, and are given opportunities that they may have never had.  Our Yes gave them a yes at a stable home.  

Our Yes was not always easy.  We said yes to two little girls. During the time that we had them it was hard.  They came from a hard place and were trying to fit into our family as best as they could.  There were days that I had to remind myself that I said yes to them because they needed us to say yes.  It doesn’t matter how we feel but how we could give them a safe place to land for a while.  Those times that I wanted to throw my hands up in the air and say no, the Lord reminded me that He wants me to continue to say yes to the girls because they need us for this moment. This is our moment and the Lord wanted to use us to pour into them no matter how hard it gets.  Our continued yes gave them security and showed them what love was and how to be a part of a family.  

Not everyone can say yes to accepting a child into their home but they can say yes to helping out a family. Take them a meal, pray for them, provide school supplies or diapers.  There is always something that could be done to help a family who did say yes to this journey.  This journey of fostering or adopting is not easy but it is worth every YES that is said along the way! 

I have started this blog post, I don’t know how many times and I get half way through and the Lord stops me.  Needless to say, I will have a couple of posts to use after this one that are already half written.

I titled this blog “What I wished I would have known before fostering.”  I think often about what I would tell my pre-foster self; You know the whole hindsight 20/20 thing.  I was so young and naive back when we first started fostering.  They tell you in class that fostering is not a walk in the park but if you are like me (glass half full) I thought nooo, it can’t be that bad. I don’t really see myself as the jaded foster mom but fostering is hard work.  For example, we are ready to finalize our final placement and the final hearing has been pushed back for a second time. Frustrating!  

As I sat in the silence of my room praying for a last foster baby I was taken back to 2009.  We fostered Owen before we adopted him and it was a VERY LONG 18 months.  I sat and thought about the differences between then and now.  The first difference is I now have had several years of experience under my belt and more placements than we ever thought possible.  The journey this time feels different though. I find myself asking why is it different now?  I believe a lot of it is the fact that I know more now then I did back then.  I have a deeper understanding of the process of fostering and adoption and how it plays together in the bigger picture, which part of that is because I have not only been a foster parent but also a CPS caseworker.  With my age also comes a maturity that I didn’t have at the level I do now and with it, a greater spiritual understanding.  

Here are the things I would tell my younger self:

1. Hang in there! The process seems long but yes it is so worth it.  God’s timing is always perfect.  For our little Owens case I feel the Lord used it as a way for me to solely depend on Him.  There were many ups and downs that He was the only person I could rely on.
2. As questions! Lots of them.  Find out everything there is about the family history.  This maybe the only time you can get those questions answered.  Our boys don’t have a lot of family history because I just relied on our caseworker to get that information and write it down.  Boy did I learn my lesson. They have so many tasks to complete that they just forget.  So I learned to ask some of these questions myself and sometimes I would ask them repeatedly. 
3. Make your caseworker your friend.  We always make it a point to get to know our caseworkers personally. We also try not to be those needy foster parents.  Now don’t get me wrong when I need something or need questions answered I am persistent but I try my hardest to accommodate them.  I move things around my schedule to make sure that they can get home to their families before dinner time.  I also don’t call them all the time and I also would make sure that they knew they were doing a great job.  A secret – when you make them feel encouraged they tend to go out of their way for you.
4. Get to know your biological parents or family.  Believe me the more you know about them the more questions you can answer for your children.  We have been ask who they look like, what did they sound like, and many more questions.  I have been able to answer most of them and some I still don’t know.  As for our twins we still have contact with their biological grandparents so they will have direct access to the answers to their questions. The biological family is not the enemy. They try to do their best and I truly believe that most of the parents love their children in the best way they know how.  Get to know them!
5. Be an advocate for your foster child!  You are their voice right now.  There have been times that I have had to use my momma bear skills and make my voice heard but on the other hand persistence does win out.  
6. Hard days will be followed by great days.  We have had some hard placements but through those placements we have learned to love unconditionally, become patient, learned to get attached even when it hurts, and to show them how to handle hard situations.  There have been times taht I wanted to throw my hands up in the air and quit but then I look into their faces and as they throw their arms around me I melt! 
7. Get attached from the beginning.  I was always afraid of being hurt but then I heard this quote, “It is better for me to be hurt instead of them being hurt yet again!”  I can handle it they might not be able to.  Now don’t get me wrong does it hurt when they leave, absolutely!  My heart breaks and we grieve and then we dive back in.  If we are truly doing this foster thing correctly then it is going to hurt.  If it doesn’t hurt when they leave we need to check our reasons for fostering.
8. The paperwork can be overwhelming.  Don’t wait until the last day of the month to do all of your notes.  One there are times that documentation are very important. For example, how the child acts when they come back from a visit with family or counseling appointments.  It is hard to remember what happens the first of the month until the end of the month if you don’t consistently make notes.  So my advice kep up on the paperwork.  Have a day of the week or a time in the evening each day to sit own and fill out the calendar and the notes for that day or week.  This way when it comes to the end of the month it is done and you just have to polish it up and send it in and you will never be late in getting your paperwork compete.  Use a bind to keep everything organized. This will also help when a child moves.  You can send a binder to the next placement and now they have all of your notes right there.
9. Take advantage of trainings!  Trainings will be your lifeline.  Believe it or not most of the trainings do help when dealing with the emotions of your foster child.  
10. Support.  Surround your self with those that are walking this same journey.  Social Media is a great place to start.  Find foster support groups that you can ask questions or seek advice.  Also get involved in your community with a local foster support group.  This journey can be lonely. Believe me I know!  There are some dark days that my husband and I feel like we are in this all alone.  You are not alone ask around and find the support that you need, because it is not if you need the support but when you need the support.

The intent of all this is that looking back on our journey with all of our foster children and adopted children is that it is a journey. A journey that we would willingly and passionately pursue time and again. There are, as with many life experiences, ups and downs, joy and sorrow and even anger. My desire is to not scare anyone off but to raise awareness and always be real with my readers and those around us on the daily grind. Many of our topics are gritty and rough but show the realities of our pursuit of reaching to those that have been orphaned while being obedient to God’s word.

Where do I even begin? I hear this question quite a lot.  I want to foster but where do I start?  So… let’s start there, with where to begin.  When we first decided to foster we only really had one choice in our journey with fostering.  When we were still in the Air Force and stationed in Georgia back in 2008 there was only one choice and it was through the Department of Family and Protective services. Fast forward to 2021 and the choice here in Texas is only through a private agency. There are tons of agencies to go through.  People ask: how did you decide what agency to go with?  The short answer is that we prayed through the choices. We asked God to lead us to the right agency.  Through our research we prayed about each agency that we researched and what they brought to the table.  It also helped that at the time I worked for CPS which meant that I dealt with many agencies and I had my preferences through work relationships.  Here are some things to look for when researching an agency:

1. Make sure they align with your values.  We wanted an agency that closely followed our religious beliefs.  Having an agency that supports your values is key. You work very closely with these agencies throughout the process and you want to make sure that you are like minded.
2. What is the agency’s mission statement? Are they focused on supporting families and the children in their home? Support is very important. Believe me you will need it. Fostering is hard but worth it!  Having support from your agency is key.  Are they readily available to you and do they respond in a timely manner?
3. What trainings do they offer?  Trainings are very important to the care of the children in your home.  The children that enter your home have endured trauma and you need the right training to be prepared for these children.  How many hours do they require you to have? Too many hours can be overwhelming and too little is not helpful.  Our agency requires 20 hours a year for a basic kid.  (You may want to know what that means and I will explain that in a later blog) Most of our hours that we are required to have we get at our annual foster parent meeting once a year.
4. What are the demographics of the children being placed? Do they place older kids only, or place just infants, children with medical needs, children that are moderate and above? These are important questions to ask.  You need an agency that will place children with you that you are equipped to care for.
5. How many children are placed through that agency a month?  If they only place a handful of children a month you may be waiting quite a long time.  This also may depend on your parameters that you have set with your agency in regards to age, race, behavior, and such of the child.
6. Another good question would be how long has the agency been around? What is the experience of the staff?  I know with our agency many of the caseworkers had been with the state and they knew how things worked. This is also a good thing because they still may have contacts within the department that can help when information about a child is needed.
7. What is the agency’s reputation? Ask around and see what others think.  You can join several foster groups through social media and asking the group could be beneficial as well.  
8. How do they handle families with biological or adopted children in the home.  Our agency every year includes our adopted children in the PJ Christmas gift.  Not only does our foster child get PJ’s but everyone of our children get PJ’s as well.  Our children are also invited to the parties or extra activities that the agency hosts throughout the year.
9. What is the agency’s view on reunification? Do they believe that biological family is important to the child?  Do they help support the reunification?  To be honest,  family is very important to foster children.  No matter how “bad” you think their biological parents are, these children love their parents and we as foster parents should support this as well as your agency that you are using.
10. Lastly, does the agency focus on you.  Meaning, they know you by name and not just a number in the system.  Have they tried to get to know you and your family?  Our caseworkers have become just another member of our family.  When they leave it is hard for us because we have come to love them.

Side note: I mentioned basic kids and moderate level kids and you may be wondering what this means.  A basic kid is a child that has normal behaviors, no medical issues, and are behaving age appropriate.  A child that is moderate level or higher is a child who may have some medical issues that require more time at the doctors or more time at home administering medications or therapies.  They may also have some aggressive behaviors and some psychological disorders. Make sure that you ask your agencies for their definitions of basic level kids and moderate-higher level kids.

If you are looking to only adopt you can apply some of these same questions when looking for an adoption agency but I will focus a post totally to finding the right agency for adopting.

Agencies:

1. Buckener: https://www.buckner.org/amarillo/
2. Bair Foundation: https://www.bair.org
3. Arrow: https://arrow.org
4. A World For Children: https://www.awfc.org/amarillo/

These are only a few that are in my area. You can google and find many more agencies.